The First Secret: The Silence of Creation

I am enveloped by the darkest silence. I feel neither cold nor heat, pain nor pleasure. Sitting for what feels like an eternity , I wait for something…anything…to happen. Am I dead, am I in limbo? I am aware of my own consciousness. In fact, my mind is the only thing that feels alive, active. Thoughts whirl around me, so many questions, but no answers.

I reach my hand out to see if I can touch the darkness. Does it feel as velvety as it looks? My hand is so tiny, an infant in the womb. That’s it! This must be a womb, although, if it is a womb, surely I should hear or feel something. When my hand touches the darkness, it shimmers. It moves towards me, sinewy and tar-like in consistency, but it looks like the night sky full of stars. I didn’t expect that.

I was thinking of the night sky and planets, and when I reached out to touch it again, a ball of shimmering tar formed itself into a ball and started spinning around slowly, like a planet. The strands around it moved like the night sky, it was magical! I heard myself giggle, it echoed slightly in the darkness, exaggerating my laughter. Seeing the spinning ball I thought of a cat playing with a ball, so I touched the darkness again, and out came a cat of the deepest black, with stars in its eyes. It jumped around, batting the spinning planet ball, which unraveled into what looked like a ball of starry tarry yarn.

Playing in the void

This wasn’t just any womb, I was In the cosmic womb, I was literally playing with prima materia, the first matter, the chaos before form. I soon discovered that any thought, anything at all, from galaxies to new species to silly things like monk monk, a toy I had as a child, I could create. It was marvelous, I spent a lifetime creating worlds, populating them with different creatures, watching them interact, then dissolve back into the womb and start again. I felt joyous and alive, my imagination ran wild, creating whatever I could imagine. The cosmic womb contained all the potential in the universe. What some people call the abyss, a place of fear, was now my playground. 

This vision came to me during an unusual period of my life, a time when my “reality” didn’t feel very grounded. The cosmic womb vision was one of three “secrets” that came to me, one right after the other, although at the time I didn’t understand the meaning behind the visions. It has taken me literally 20 years to grasp the full extent of the messages in these visions, and even now I find synchronicities that tie back to these visions. During this vision I connected with the source of all creation, a place of transformation so complete that it appears as a void, but it’s not inert…it is alive, sparkling, responsive…and it is completely accessible to us if we can silence the distractions that surround us, and the ones inside us. Silence isn’t at all what we’ve been taught, it is not a place of dissolution or putrifaction, it is joyful and pregnant with infinite possibility. And it’s waiting for you to come and play!

This cosmic womb, the silence that is the Source all creation, did not care what I produced. It sparkled when I reached toward it, ready to become whatever I imagined. 

My vision showed me how creation can be a joyful experiment. Like a child playing with clay, shaping and reshaping. The silence isn't stern; it's permissive. The darkness isn't punishing; it's safe enough to play in, and in fact, playing in the darkness with curiosity and joy, is a key to transformation and shaping the world around us.

One of the things that struck me about this alchemical nigredo was the lack of “is-ness”’ - the lack of duality where an object either is or is-not. In this space of soundless sound, the silence hums with energy. It is a space of both and neither, creation and destruction, existence and annihilation. You could remain in this silent darkness forever, being and not being, at the same time, should you will it so.

“The essence of reality is beyond the dualistic dichotomy of existence versus non-existence, which are concepts based on the contrast between a presence and an absence. Both assertions require their opposite to be proven. There can be no “is” without “is-not.” Pure essentiality is beyond all approximations and is infinitely more mysterious than anything that concepts can equivocate." — David Chaim Smith, Code of the Lightning Flash

Finding our way back

I know all too well what it costs to be disconnected from the Source, to fall prey to the distractions of life. Modern life is designed to keep us away from the Source. It rewards the doing, punishes the pausing, pathologises the silence. Reconnecting isn't a one-time achievement - it's an ongoing practice of return, especially for those of us conditioned to prove our worth through productivity.

There have been many times when I should have held to boundaries, instead of saying yes to too many commitments. During those times, the Source feels far away, inaccessible. I know the feeling all too well - the exhaustion, disinterest, creative drought - those are the symptoms of exile from the Source. I have turned to nature during these times as a doorway back to the Source. The land has often held me when I couldn’t hold myself. There are so many paths though, and not all of them have to lead to the womb itself. We don’t always need to go into a dark shimmery womb to find creativity, to find transformation. We can draw from this anytime we are able to remove the distractions of mundane life, anytime we can disconnect from “reality”, even for a few minutes.

Sometimes, when people approach the Source, they view it as a dark place, they treat it as a serious undertaking that requires sacrifice. And some creative work does require sacrifice, it may even need a covenant, a bond between you and nature, or you and a spirit or ancestor, a place or a person. There are many paths to the Source of creation, and all take some effort, but this particular path - the path of the child - utilises play, wonder, and curiosity, qualities we are born with, and that become precious as we get older and life burdens us with increasing responsibilities. No one likes adulting!

Harpocrates, the Child Horus

I cannot help but think of Harpocrates, the child Horus, with his finger to lips in a gesture of pure innocence. The ancient Greeks took this to mean secrecy and silence, but it goes beyond secrecy to what is described in Thelema as the “Zero state”. It is the Source that precedes and enables magical transformation. It is the pregnant void from which the Word emerges, the space where Will crystallizes before manifestation. I felt it in that womb, the infinite possibilities, the materia that would shape the world to whatever I willed. And it was waiting for me….to play.

“The key to awakening from the dream of restricted consciousness is the identification with this stream, which springs from the core of every star, and hence from Hadit. And the application of that key consists of seeing phenomenal manifestations as the transient shadows that they are, and seeking to penetrate to the core within, to the essence of starry consciousness. Thus we tunnel deeper, ever deeper, and hope to emerge into the light of day.” Michael Staley, The Heart of Thelema (Starfire 1:3)